Rain is coming harder now upon your head. You can’t get far enough away …

In accordance with a promise I made to myself, I’m going to allow myself to be more honest here.  Good, bad AND ugly.

I’m lonely today.  I have been for a while.  Friends are comforting, but they can’t be there for you every moment of every day.  And, I’m painfully aware of how inviting a declaration of loneliness is.  Maybe it’s this change of season … of hiding under over-sized clothing … of coming home in the dark … of having no one waiting for you other than your dog.

I couldn’t bring myself to call my Mother this weekend, as per my usual routine.  I didn’t want to start crying while on the line and to cause her worry.  I know she already feels like there’s nothing she can do to help … without the complication of the distance between our two points.

I don’t think that I’m isolating, exactly.  I do think that I’m keeping to myself.

Sometimes, when it gets it’s worst, I question whether being back home in Ottawa would make any difference.  Probably not.  Didn’t have many friends there – and I had lived there my entire life.  Paid a lot less in rent and other expenses – but I only did that for 9 months before packing up and moving cross-country.  My family is there – though, anytime I spend a significant amount of time with them all I want to do is get as far away from them as possible.

I wonder what I’m doing here.  I find myself desperate for something so much simpler.

I have a headache – time to lie down.

~ This Town, Blue Rodeo