I realize that I am an emotional extremist. I’m either deathly depressed or exuberantly ecstatic. This pattern is becoming increasingly apparent to me as I work my way through copying posts from my old blog into a word document on my laptop before their inevitable deletion from the web (though, we all know nothing can be permanently erased from the Internet). I skim through the entries and am somewhat amazed by how quickly and dramatically I alternate between happy and sad. I don’t really seem to have a middle emotion – I’m always one or the other.
Well, for a brief time I did have a middle emotion … except then, it was my ONLY emotion. At the advice of my former partner and doctor I started taking antidepressants back in December 2002 – I remember because I used the nausea from starting the pills as an excuse to avoid spending Christmas with my family … in all honesty, I just didn’t feel like it … in all honesty, I was pretty depressed. I had pretty low self esteem and didn’t think I was capable of coping with my life; So, desperately, I looked to the higher power of pharmaceuticals to ‘fix’ me.
A little over three years later of taking Effexor, I can confirm that the pills did change things. For better or worse is open to interpretation. My mood swings definitely decreased … but so did my emotional variability. Rather than feeling REALLY happy & REALLY sad, I simply felt … flat. When I realized that losing the lows meant also sacrificing the highs, life just didn’t seem worth it. On the pills, I mean. So, with my doctor’s supervision in March 2006, I detoxed. I only missed about one week of work, but the symptoms lasted well over a month. At it’s worst, I was terribly dizzy and nauseous. My body rejected food … um, in both directions. Research shows an increase in suicidal thoughts by patients going off antidepressants – and as someone who has gone through the detox experience, I truly understand why. Of course, most doctors do not mention the hell of going off the medication when they’re putting you on it in the first place.
Shortly thereafter, I went off all pharmaceuticals. It’s not that I don’t believe they are necessary – for some individuals and some conditions the pills can be lifesavers … they just weren’t for me. While I will admit that in some of my darkest hours I do consider screaming for prescriptions, I have yet to do so. I can’t live my life like the blank that the pills made me – I need to feel. Without that, life doesn’t feel like simply missing one sense – it feels, to me, like living without any at all. If I have to endure the bad to receive the gift of the good, well, so be it.
‘BALANCE’ is the mantra I’ve adopted for 2009 – an attempt to balance all things in my life: my chequebook, my food intake and exercise, AND my emotions.
PS – Today is an UP day 
